i hear in my mind, all of this music, and it breaks my heart.

I am always amazed at how much I love to dance. Why? Just something about it, the music, the people, the movement, the everything. Its like I was created for the purpose of dancing. I hope that I always get to dance, I never want to stop.

new york, new york the city so nice they named it twice

I get to a point with things in my life, a point where it is no longer easy to get better I must work harder at them or else they start to regress. I am at that point in my life, with a couple of things, Yoga, Swing dancing, God (although I must admit that one was never really easy) and not necessarily in that order. It is time for me to start working hard and not just having fun. This by the way if you haven't noticed already is one of my posts where I decided I need change in my life and that change means working harder. I frequently make theses ultimatums for myself all the time and often they fail. However today I feel like the stars are alligned for change.

Why you ask?

Well, I just came home from New York and I came to a realisation that life isn't always going to be easy. There is going to come a point where I am going to have to start working hard, and where I can not rely on my charm or talents to get me by. I will have to buckle down and actually do something about it. I feel like if I start now I will be more prepared for that reality the day it comes. I realise that people are going to read this and half of them will be go along with my idealistic side and say, that you should do what you love in life and live it to the fullest, blah, blah. Which I do, trust me my life is very full. The other half that is predisposed towards my parents will agree with my statement and say that it is a very wise choice of me to make, because of blah, blah.

So here is my promise to myself. I promise that I am going to work as hard as I can to be the best that I can in all areas of my life. I am not just going to float through life and let it happen to me, I am going to make life happen. I do not know what direction life will take, but I do know that I am going to work hard for it and give it everything that I have. Things in life that are hard are worth working for.

Ultimatum done, we will see what happens now. :P

driving.....fast

there are so many things that i want to talk about, that i am thinking about. i need to let them all out of my system. this past week my mother allowed me to use her car, because her and my father were down in pheonix. it was really nice to be able to drive, i was so tempted to drive for hours and not come back. good thing i had to meet people, otherwise i would have ended up in kelowna or seattle. i was driving out to my parents home and i couldnt turn down the driveway i had to drive to the end of our road and back, music loud before i could give up the car.

i went to the hospital again today to visit my cousin, and she breaks my heart. she is putting on a real strong show of emotion for everyone who comes and visits, but today she allowed me to see through that a little bit. she stared at me with such honest eyes, just looking for answers and i couldnt give them to her. my words failed me and all i could do was make a joke. i am awkward like that, making jokes when i have nothing to say. she is just so beautiful. tonight her sister is going to be staying with her for the night. the two of them are so close and i really think that this is going to make thier bond so strong. i wanted to cry because it was beautiful that they had that opportunity, i also wanted to cry because i dont have that chance with my sister. our relationship is off and on at best, discussing who is going to walk the dog that morning. we are just not destined to be close.

this morning i also went to yoga with monica, oh how i love monica. she is so wonderful. she is goinging through a lot right now, and she is so sensitive. after the class she cryed because the asanas had broken through all the tension that she was holding around her heart. yoga can be so powerful some time. i really have missed my free classes that lululemon gave me. i bought a week unlimited pass at semperviva and i am going to go as much as humanly possible. maybe twice a day? on the days that i can fit it in for sure. it really is the best possible way for a person to move thier body. i have been wanting for some time now to teach a water class at my house. water classes are the most wonderful expereience that you will have on your yoga mat. you leave and you can feel the waves moving inside your body. you can feel your heart and your breath and your blood moving though your body in a constant flow. you are contected. it is possible that i feel this way because i have water in my personality, but really i cant think of anything better in the world than a water class. swing dancing is awesome, but i might even want to go to a water class over going dancing. if it was a regular night. maybe not an event. :P

salt, chocolate and pedro the lion

i apologize for being intense in my blog. i am realizing that anyone who reads this and isnt close with me might not understand, or have met this side of me. that is another reason why i maybe dont let lots of people know that i have a blog.

when the sun is out you get burned and when it rains you can smell the cement.

this last month has been full of life.

maybe that is why there are the flurry of posts on my blog. i need the silent reader to listen to my woes, joys and musings.

my cousin was admitted to the hospital on thursday, she had three minor strokes. she is 19. i know that it is strange for someone so young to have a stroke, the nurse says that it is just an anomaly, happening once in a blue moon. mercury is in retrograde right now maybe that is why.

the thing that you learn is, how beautiful her soul is. she is so happy, talkative, joyful whenever someone walks into the room. positive about the world and what she is experiencing, how she is going to make a difference, a change.

i might be mellow dramatic right now because i am listening to pedro the lion, and eating salt flavoured chocolate. maybe i am just being honest.

today is beautiful and sunny. i am enjoying it.

where do you go with your heart in tow

Right now, I am so distracted. I am having trouble concentrating enough to make my lunch, which is a bad thing because it is expensive to always buy food. I wish that things would be easy, I am such an emotionally charged person that it just consumes me some times. Last night I went for a run because I had so much energy that I had to release it. I ran for 40mins. I cant remember the last time I went running, if that gives you an indicator of how charged I am right now. I then went and did yoga, ate dinner and still couldnt fall asleep till 1am. I am now at home because Wednesdays are my day off, and I am having issues.

I wish that I was calm, then I could get things done. I could do everything that I am supposed to, or even just a little bit calmer, but this is just ridiculous. Maybe I need to do more yoga to centre myself, I have been slacking lately. I am going tonight though, but the class is really easy, its free though so I am not going to complain. :)

If anyone has any suggestions other than running for an hour each night I am open to hearing them. Maybe its good to run, really that is the only time that I am really alone. I having been meditating for 15mins each night before I go to bed and that has been helping me sleep. Why did God make me this way, I am so unproductive. The funny thing is, I feel like Yoga has given me all this energy. I know that sounds odd, especially if your not into yoga, but I think its true. I think that when I went to LA for my training it started a process inside of me that is culminating with uncertainty right now. I dont even recognise myself. I guess I just need to navigate my new emotions, and see what they have to offer. I am a follower of my heart, but right now my heart is very confusing. I dont understand it any more.

tegan and sara

"Where Does the Good Go?"-Tegan and Sara

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know, when to let go
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

its love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go

where do you go when your in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that your on your way down
where does the good go
where does the good go

look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you wont go
look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen

it's love that leaves and breaks
the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm
where does the good go
where does the good go...?

where does the good go?

So, Frankie is taking over my blog because there are lots of things I am feeling right now and they are culminating at his festival in New York. I was told that funerals are more important than, birthdays and celebrations. I think that is true. People need your friendship the most when things are down, funerals are not be the deceased but for the living. Frankies 25th Birthday is in May, as you know if you read my blog Frankie passed away last week. However in true Frankie fashion, his party will continue and will dance for him and honour this man that gave our lives different meanings, something to be passionate about and friends that have changed our lives forever. Maybe I am being overly dramatic because I tend to do that, especially right now because I feel like I cant tell want direction is up or down.

I found tickets to New York for $200 each way after tax. I am SO tempted to go, but I also feel like I am trapped. Trapped in Swing dancing, I can not just let it go and not go to a swing event and I feel like I am draw to it more than anything else. Maybe I have an addictive personality? I dont know. Anyways I am just wanting to shoot at the wind right now, I am torn. I would be in New York for one day, if I went. Totally ridiculous I know, but, somehow I feel like it would be worth it. For Frankie?