Yesterday I hung out with my mother, whom i love, and it was a good and bad time. Good because we spent 3 hours together walking down commercial drive, going into vintage stores and trying on ridiculous things. Bad because she told me that my cat Auggie is missing and that a Coyote has been spotted in the yard twice since she has been gone.
In my life, we have had lots of pets: Ollie, Filo, Elie, Diana are the cats we have loved, Rocky and Mosha the dogs. You think that at some point it would get easier, that you would some how stop loving them. This of course is all not true, because why would you get them if you weren't going to love them. I have sweet friends who tell me that she is just missing and you don't know, she could come back. This is true. I am not so naive though. I have played this role too many times before to know what happens at this point in the story.
We got Auggie when I was in elementary school, one year, Marissa, Andrew and I, all did well in school. Marissa got a walkman, Andrew got N64 and I got Auggie. Since we brought her home from the SPCA, she had since adopted Marissa and then my mother as her favorites.
I am writing this mostly for catharsis, I havent had a chance to really talk with anyone about it and my heart still hurts. She was a good cat.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
:)
I heard this song yesterday and I think that it is the most beautiful thing I have heard in a long time. So I thought that I would share it with you, because I feel like you would appreciate it. You have to listen to the song and do nothing else, just listen. I have posted the lyrics so that you can read them if you want too. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RXU1tyDvF0
atlantis by shane koyczan
your entire body shakes when you laugh,
as if your sense of humour was built on a faultline,
and the coast of your heart falls into the ocean of yourself,
and im left looking for this atlantis,
left looking for this place that exists in stories told by old men,
who were there when mathematics assured them…
their willingness to believe was greater than
their determination to dismiss,
i’m left looking for atlantis,
regardless of the scientists that insist,
my efforts would be better spent
unearthing clues to where the wild things went,
try as it might,
faith can’t put a dent in fact,
so we must settle for watching science re-enact the world,
as if the universe was curled,
around this globe,
and if we consider that this universe is never-ending,
then we’re not even a microbe,
we’re like a death threat from a pacifist,
we’re nothing….
but the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that:
“nothing is fo shizzle”
and the interesting thing about that,
is it ensures the principle itself can’t even be a fact,
but we still act as if this time,
we can see the forest through the trees,
regardless of the soft wood lumber levies,
we fall in line like reforested pine,
it’s all straight rows,
where everything grows a little less wild,
and a little more humdrum,
oh hum, we come from a mentality,
that rarely sees the horror in symmetry,
or the beauty in nonconformity…
we insist that for us,
everything must be clear cut.
but what about philosophy??
what about the tree that fell
in the forest that no one was around to hear?
it’s a little less clear and a little more deep,
deep like “If Oprah Winfrey farts in a bathtub,
and no bubbles come to the surface,
is there an alternate universe where the price of gas is cheap?”
possible, but we can’t prove it…
any more than we can prove that,
light can move fast enough to stop a monster hiding in the closet,
we deposit our faith in fear,
but clear our minds to the possibility that,
maybe we as adults secretly sometimes still get scared of the dark,
things that go bump in the night…
and i can’t prove that i’ve ever loved anyone,
but despite the smokingly overweight body,
i wanna grow old with you,
go through muscle and joint pains,
to the point that every time it rains,
we can feel it in our knees,
get arthritis so bad,
that every time we move,
we sound like two bowls of rice krispies,
we’re all “snap, crackle and pop”
but we still take the time to stop,
and take the time in looking for atlantis…
letting faith turn this fiction into fact,
as if i’ve tracked this missing continent for decades,
and all i know so far,
is that it’s somewhere underwater…
i’m looking for clues in those blurry photos of UFOs,
and thinking,if aliens are so smart,
then why don’t they start making their spaceships look like airplanes?
that way we’d just point to the sky and say
“an airplane, how commonplace and not at all suspect…”
we’re all shipwrecked on this idea,
that everything has to be explained,
but maybe we just need to believe that,
lemmings jump off of cliffs to prove that they love us,
and sure, that sacrifice is as empty
as the box of condoms politicians used when they thought
they could fuck us…
but its nice to believe that somebody up there cares enough,
to plummet onto jagged back-breaking rocks,
in an attempt to tell us we’re beautiful…
tell us, that as far as life goes,
our fingerprints are like snowflakes,
we leave them on everything, but they melt
in the time it takes to touch someones tongue,
but if we’re lucky, maybe we’re remembered,
along with the sunken cities of a lost continent,
this is for each child who was a monument to the ones who came before,
maybe the best we can hope for,
is that those we leave behind, find comfort in knowing,
that we’re born out of love and not science,
that biology explains the how, but love explains the why,
so in the event of our deaths, we hereby bequeath
all of these words to you,
and they are only meant to say that,
uncertainty is something everyone goes through,
and there’s not much in the way of proof,
but believe me, we loved you,
we held our breaths for your first step, your first word,
we laughed when it finally occurred to you, lemons are sour,
this is for every time love becomes
the finest minute in the darkest hour,
this is for those who scour the streets,
wondering where the wild things went,
for the believers who lent us their madness,
this is for everyone we miss,
and this is for the children who are lost,
sadness is nothing more than the cost of
being able to smile once in a while,
and grief is the trial we stand to offer evidence that,
your fingerprints were left on our hearts,
and our skin,
and in terms of proof,
love can be demonstrated in giving,
our lives consist of the efforts we give
in swimming towards a lost continent,
where you are rumoured to be living…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RXU1tyDvF0
atlantis by shane koyczan
your entire body shakes when you laugh,
as if your sense of humour was built on a faultline,
and the coast of your heart falls into the ocean of yourself,
and im left looking for this atlantis,
left looking for this place that exists in stories told by old men,
who were there when mathematics assured them…
their willingness to believe was greater than
their determination to dismiss,
i’m left looking for atlantis,
regardless of the scientists that insist,
my efforts would be better spent
unearthing clues to where the wild things went,
try as it might,
faith can’t put a dent in fact,
so we must settle for watching science re-enact the world,
as if the universe was curled,
around this globe,
and if we consider that this universe is never-ending,
then we’re not even a microbe,
we’re like a death threat from a pacifist,
we’re nothing….
but the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that:
“nothing is fo shizzle”
and the interesting thing about that,
is it ensures the principle itself can’t even be a fact,
but we still act as if this time,
we can see the forest through the trees,
regardless of the soft wood lumber levies,
we fall in line like reforested pine,
it’s all straight rows,
where everything grows a little less wild,
and a little more humdrum,
oh hum, we come from a mentality,
that rarely sees the horror in symmetry,
or the beauty in nonconformity…
we insist that for us,
everything must be clear cut.
but what about philosophy??
what about the tree that fell
in the forest that no one was around to hear?
it’s a little less clear and a little more deep,
deep like “If Oprah Winfrey farts in a bathtub,
and no bubbles come to the surface,
is there an alternate universe where the price of gas is cheap?”
possible, but we can’t prove it…
any more than we can prove that,
light can move fast enough to stop a monster hiding in the closet,
we deposit our faith in fear,
but clear our minds to the possibility that,
maybe we as adults secretly sometimes still get scared of the dark,
things that go bump in the night…
and i can’t prove that i’ve ever loved anyone,
but despite the smokingly overweight body,
i wanna grow old with you,
go through muscle and joint pains,
to the point that every time it rains,
we can feel it in our knees,
get arthritis so bad,
that every time we move,
we sound like two bowls of rice krispies,
we’re all “snap, crackle and pop”
but we still take the time to stop,
and take the time in looking for atlantis…
letting faith turn this fiction into fact,
as if i’ve tracked this missing continent for decades,
and all i know so far,
is that it’s somewhere underwater…
i’m looking for clues in those blurry photos of UFOs,
and thinking,if aliens are so smart,
then why don’t they start making their spaceships look like airplanes?
that way we’d just point to the sky and say
“an airplane, how commonplace and not at all suspect…”
we’re all shipwrecked on this idea,
that everything has to be explained,
but maybe we just need to believe that,
lemmings jump off of cliffs to prove that they love us,
and sure, that sacrifice is as empty
as the box of condoms politicians used when they thought
they could fuck us…
but its nice to believe that somebody up there cares enough,
to plummet onto jagged back-breaking rocks,
in an attempt to tell us we’re beautiful…
tell us, that as far as life goes,
our fingerprints are like snowflakes,
we leave them on everything, but they melt
in the time it takes to touch someones tongue,
but if we’re lucky, maybe we’re remembered,
along with the sunken cities of a lost continent,
this is for each child who was a monument to the ones who came before,
maybe the best we can hope for,
is that those we leave behind, find comfort in knowing,
that we’re born out of love and not science,
that biology explains the how, but love explains the why,
so in the event of our deaths, we hereby bequeath
all of these words to you,
and they are only meant to say that,
uncertainty is something everyone goes through,
and there’s not much in the way of proof,
but believe me, we loved you,
we held our breaths for your first step, your first word,
we laughed when it finally occurred to you, lemons are sour,
this is for every time love becomes
the finest minute in the darkest hour,
this is for those who scour the streets,
wondering where the wild things went,
for the believers who lent us their madness,
this is for everyone we miss,
and this is for the children who are lost,
sadness is nothing more than the cost of
being able to smile once in a while,
and grief is the trial we stand to offer evidence that,
your fingerprints were left on our hearts,
and our skin,
and in terms of proof,
love can be demonstrated in giving,
our lives consist of the efforts we give
in swimming towards a lost continent,
where you are rumoured to be living…
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Gandy Dancer
This weekend is going to be busy.
I have stopped thinking of my time in terms of working and not working, if I look forward to a day off I will be dissapointed because that day is far in the future. Generally I am okay with this circumstance of my life. I really like the things that I do, however this weekend it seems daunting to me. Let me recap my life for you, litterally the only time I have this week is Sunday morning. Every other minute of my life is full, i have to plan time to eat.
But Claudia, you say, your writting in your blog right now surely you are exagerating? No dear reader, I skipped my yoga practice today (shh) so that I could have some time to myself. In fact you should feel lucky that i am spending this time with you.
Okay off I go on my day.
Shanti.
I have stopped thinking of my time in terms of working and not working, if I look forward to a day off I will be dissapointed because that day is far in the future. Generally I am okay with this circumstance of my life. I really like the things that I do, however this weekend it seems daunting to me. Let me recap my life for you, litterally the only time I have this week is Sunday morning. Every other minute of my life is full, i have to plan time to eat.
But Claudia, you say, your writting in your blog right now surely you are exagerating? No dear reader, I skipped my yoga practice today (shh) so that I could have some time to myself. In fact you should feel lucky that i am spending this time with you.
Okay off I go on my day.
Shanti.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
i'll grab a new seat, i dont like the one i got
I am in another mood that encourages me to post my thoughts and feelings multiple times in a day. Throwing stones into the deep water and watching for ripples.
I was practicing today listening to music and a line, 'its a funny time to learn to swim when you start to drown.' It motivated me in my practice, i guess it helped me to realise that i am going to be with myself every day for the rest of my life. it is just me, my yoga mat, my emotions and my heart. Even though there are wonderful people in my heart and life, they have their own hearts they need to deal with.
I am motivated to work hard for this. My Sadhana, my yoga practice, it is going to be really good for me if i can stick it out.
I was practicing today listening to music and a line, 'its a funny time to learn to swim when you start to drown.' It motivated me in my practice, i guess it helped me to realise that i am going to be with myself every day for the rest of my life. it is just me, my yoga mat, my emotions and my heart. Even though there are wonderful people in my heart and life, they have their own hearts they need to deal with.
I am motivated to work hard for this. My Sadhana, my yoga practice, it is going to be really good for me if i can stick it out.
my number, by tegan and sara
Showers pounding out a new beat
I trade my old shoes for new feet
I grab a new seat
I don't like the one I got
The fabric's wearing through,
And it's wearing me out.
You're wearing me down.
Watching old baseball games
And low budget telethons
Ain't like watching you yourself
When you yourself is on.
Got time to wander to waste and to whine
But when it comes to you
It seems like I just can't find the time.
So watch your head and then watch the ground
It's a silly time to learn to swim
When you start to drown
It's a silly time to learn to swim
On the way down.
If I gave you my number
Would it still be the same,
If I saved you from drowning
Promise me you'll never go away
Promise me you'll always stay.
Closed down the last local zoo
I'm gonna win the endless war,
Over who kills the last koala bear
And who in death will love him more
and I
He grabs me by the hand
Drags me to the shore and says
Maybe you don't love me
But you'll grow to love me even more
And I well I'm not surprised.
I trade my old shoes for new feet
I grab a new seat
I don't like the one I got
The fabric's wearing through,
And it's wearing me out.
You're wearing me down.
Watching old baseball games
And low budget telethons
Ain't like watching you yourself
When you yourself is on.
Got time to wander to waste and to whine
But when it comes to you
It seems like I just can't find the time.
So watch your head and then watch the ground
It's a silly time to learn to swim
When you start to drown
It's a silly time to learn to swim
On the way down.
If I gave you my number
Would it still be the same,
If I saved you from drowning
Promise me you'll never go away
Promise me you'll always stay.
Closed down the last local zoo
I'm gonna win the endless war,
Over who kills the last koala bear
And who in death will love him more
and I
He grabs me by the hand
Drags me to the shore and says
Maybe you don't love me
But you'll grow to love me even more
And I well I'm not surprised.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
radical games
Last Sunday I took a trip over to Banyen Book and Sounds on West 4th and Dunbar. I dont often get out to Bayen because it is out of the way, but whenever I go I buy lots of books. I went with a goal this time of getting some of the required readings for my yoga teacher training. I managed to get three books one of them being, The Yoga of Breath: A Step-by-Step Guide to Pramayama by Richerd Rosen. Pranayama is essentially breath work, for those who are not familiar with it, Yogas ultimate goal is to prepare us for Pranayama and Meditation. I wasnt too excited about getting a book on breathing, I generally enjoy to focus on my breath during asana practice and then be finished with it when I am done.
I began reading Rosens book this morning and I came across a quote that made my body leap and want to run around the room:
"But James Carse, In his book Finite and Infinite Games, reminds us that to be playful is not to be 'trivial or frivolous, or to act as though nothing of consequence will happen. On the contrary, when we are playful with each other we relate as free persons, and the relationship is open to surprise; everything that happens is of consequence, for seriousness is a dread of the unpredictable outcome of open possibility. To be serious is to press for a specified conclusion. To be playful is to allow for possibility whatever the cost to oneself.' "
Woah.
When I read that I feel like Carse is saying something profoundly radical, something that many people would knock down and walk past. I had to read the quote four times to really begin to realise how huge his statement was. To be playful or child-like, let go of a predetermined out come. When I worked at lululemon, we used to do yoga demos in the store all the time. Jey a woman I worked with is a meditation instructor and wanted to do a meditation demo in the mall. So her and I sat in the middle of metrotown mall and meditated. I remember her sitting down, and with honest excitement saying, "this is so radical". Sitting in the middle of a public space and meditating, it was radical. Sitting through our surroundings, judging eyes and perception. I feel like there are so many radical people out there who are welcome to the idea of 'open possibility'. Of the playful nature that we have embodied inside all of us. Radical people who talk with strangers, give money the homeless, fight for an idea. In my studies I have come across different people talking about life as a game as childs-play. Carse took that idea to another level, being radical enough to explain this idea to people stuck in systems of our world. Systems with predetermined outcomes, ideas.
Some times I read things and they jump out of the page at me with the truth that they hold. My favorite part is that the truth comes from so many different spaces and times. There is truth in so many different things that it seems hard to subscribe to one book. I am excited to read about breathing for another 300 pages, if I can get this excited by Chapter one, I feel like the book contains lots of wisdom inside its pages.
I began reading Rosens book this morning and I came across a quote that made my body leap and want to run around the room:
"But James Carse, In his book Finite and Infinite Games, reminds us that to be playful is not to be 'trivial or frivolous, or to act as though nothing of consequence will happen. On the contrary, when we are playful with each other we relate as free persons, and the relationship is open to surprise; everything that happens is of consequence, for seriousness is a dread of the unpredictable outcome of open possibility. To be serious is to press for a specified conclusion. To be playful is to allow for possibility whatever the cost to oneself.' "
Woah.
When I read that I feel like Carse is saying something profoundly radical, something that many people would knock down and walk past. I had to read the quote four times to really begin to realise how huge his statement was. To be playful or child-like, let go of a predetermined out come. When I worked at lululemon, we used to do yoga demos in the store all the time. Jey a woman I worked with is a meditation instructor and wanted to do a meditation demo in the mall. So her and I sat in the middle of metrotown mall and meditated. I remember her sitting down, and with honest excitement saying, "this is so radical". Sitting in the middle of a public space and meditating, it was radical. Sitting through our surroundings, judging eyes and perception. I feel like there are so many radical people out there who are welcome to the idea of 'open possibility'. Of the playful nature that we have embodied inside all of us. Radical people who talk with strangers, give money the homeless, fight for an idea. In my studies I have come across different people talking about life as a game as childs-play. Carse took that idea to another level, being radical enough to explain this idea to people stuck in systems of our world. Systems with predetermined outcomes, ideas.
Some times I read things and they jump out of the page at me with the truth that they hold. My favorite part is that the truth comes from so many different spaces and times. There is truth in so many different things that it seems hard to subscribe to one book. I am excited to read about breathing for another 300 pages, if I can get this excited by Chapter one, I feel like the book contains lots of wisdom inside its pages.
Monday, September 7, 2009
a swim, a bike and a run.
Today my mother, Luc (one of my yoga students) and I did the Vancouver Triathlon as a relay team. I just have to say that my mother is really a wonderful woman, she will do anything for me. Example, swimming one mile in the open ocean at the Vancouver Triathlon, freezing her butt off and then still being in a good mood when we went out for breakfast afterwards. I am really amazed at her, she did so well and was so cold. I did the biking portion of the race and when I wasn't singing eye of the tiger to pump my self up when I was going up a big hill I was thinking of my mother. Honestly what other mom would do this race? Swim in the freezing cold ocean? It took her 1 hour to stop shivering and she was wearing a wet suit. She is an amazing woman.
I got coerced into doing this Triathlon by Sherry, that girl I tell you has got me doing all sorts of crazy things. Now that the race is over, I feel like I would do it again. I would train better for it but I would do the actual triathlon by myself next time. I feel a sense of peace right now that was unexpected. After the race and then breakfast I came home and forced myself to do yoga, which was a very good idea, and then i read. All day. I finished a book. I found it really nice to spend that time by myself, maybe that is why I am feeling I could run an actual triathlon. :) Maybe it is just the endorphins. Hayley always ask why people do things like triathlons or climbing mount Everest. When they put themselves through so much, potentially even death if your climbing Everest. It is a meditation, a practice, and feels really great afterwards. Completing an impossible task. Because really, these impossible tasks are more possible than we realise. Not just racing and doing something physical, it can be anything.
I am trying to convey the warm feeling that I have right now, I am not sure if I am doing a good job. I hope that you were able to feel that when you read this post. :)
I got coerced into doing this Triathlon by Sherry, that girl I tell you has got me doing all sorts of crazy things. Now that the race is over, I feel like I would do it again. I would train better for it but I would do the actual triathlon by myself next time. I feel a sense of peace right now that was unexpected. After the race and then breakfast I came home and forced myself to do yoga, which was a very good idea, and then i read. All day. I finished a book. I found it really nice to spend that time by myself, maybe that is why I am feeling I could run an actual triathlon. :) Maybe it is just the endorphins. Hayley always ask why people do things like triathlons or climbing mount Everest. When they put themselves through so much, potentially even death if your climbing Everest. It is a meditation, a practice, and feels really great afterwards. Completing an impossible task. Because really, these impossible tasks are more possible than we realise. Not just racing and doing something physical, it can be anything.
I am trying to convey the warm feeling that I have right now, I am not sure if I am doing a good job. I hope that you were able to feel that when you read this post. :)
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